All Aboard the HSP Self-Care Struggle Bus

Self-care is often touted as essential for mothers, but for Highly Sensitive Person (HSP) moms, the method in which traditional self-care is practiced may not always suffice - at least not as well as it would for a non HSP. That isn’t to suggest you should kick the typical ideas for how to care for yourself to the curb. It means those of us who are sensitive to stimuli, especially parents, ESPECIALLY stay-at-home/work-from-home parents, need to have access to an arsenal of tools to care for ourselves at any given moment. Knowing that I have time set aside to take a bath that evening is nice, but it means nothing to my already revved up central nervous system ready to speed straight into fight or flight over a simple disagreement or teenage “rage-quits”...

For those who may be questioning, a Highly Sensitive Person (HSP - more clinically known as Sensory Processing Sensitivity - SPS) is characterized, in part, by having increased depth of processing, a tendency to be more easily overstimulated, a higher level of emotional intensity, and increased awareness of environmental subtleties (The Empowered Highly Sensitive Person WorkBook). The nervous system processes sensory interactions at a more heightened rate.

As someone who is considered a HSP, I have had to figure out how to transcend common “self-care” practices into what-can-I-do-to-not-lose-my-mind-right-now-care. So, at 38 years old, after a myriad of life experiences, training, and research, I’m confident that the commonly prescribed self-care methods need to be reclassified.

Common Physical Self-Care Practice Ideas:

• Get enough sleep

• Eat healthy

• Exercise

• Drink more water

• Read a book

Common Mental/Emotional Self-Care Practice Ideas:

• Setting boundaries

• Forgiving yourself

• Taking a step back

• Spending time alone

• Putting yourself first

When I say “reclassified”, I don’t mean these suggestions should no longer be considered good ways of “caring” for oneself. Let’s zoom out and put being a HSP aside for a sec. The list of physical self-care practices are things I personally would call the bare minimum of what a relatively well-functioning and balanced person would do for themselves every day. Furthermore, during times of stress, keeping up with our water intake, amount of sleep and eating more leafy greens is definitely going to go a long way in being able to maintain our overall physical well-being. However, as beneficial as those routines may be, they don’t go nearly as far in activating our relaxation response.

Now as a mom, in general and again HSP aside, I fight the urge to roll my eyes to the back of my head when I see self-care lists with “put yourself first” or “set boundaries”. Setting boundaries as a default emotional self-care option is asking a lot for someone who had a living person occupy their BODY for, let’s be real, 10 months or more depending on how we chose to care for the infant after birth. If you’re a mom who is perfectly balanced, able to put yourself first, set boundaries, and find regular time alone - in spite of societal expectations and the demands of caregiving - that’s really great (seriously!), but this message isn’t for you.

Cue the HSP mom who struggles with all 5 of the mental/emotional self-care ideas listed above and more in this category. I can’t be the only one who has to actively work to dismantle the self-care precursor of intense guilt. Then after-the-fact, finding myself witnessing the internal battle of the Ego and my True self as they face off about whether or not I was actually “neglecting” my family to scrounge for a moment of peace. It’s physically, mentally, and emotionally exhausting having to constantly talk myself off a ledge.

Maybe it’s ambitious of me to attempt to change the perception of self-care by making the distinction between everyday personal care routines and building habits around moment-to-moment stress release. I honestly don’t think that any concept can be considered as a blanket approach to the masses, but maybe this is the start of an evolution for the ideas about how to best care for ourselves. To change how HSPs, or anyone, sees self-care, we have to first revisit the general definition.

Self-care is defined as “the practice of taking an active role in protecting one's own well-being and happiness, in particular during periods of stress.” (Oxford Languages and Google).

Stress is not unfamiliar to anyone, in fact, we all have areas of life that we would consider stressful, quite possibly on a daily basis. For HSPs, the heightened sensitivity can make it harder for us to cope with everyday pressures and triggers, leading to consistently elevated levels of stress. Given our more frequent recurrence of the stress response and more intense emotions - especially when we are over-empathizing about how our family is affected by the stress - it becomes crucial to know what options are available to us in the moments of overwhelm to reset ourselves…and reset life, as it were.

The typical overwhelm from stimuli induced stress for a HSP is the result of the over-communication between our senses and the sympathetic nervous system (where fight, flight, and freeze live rent free). The use of our senses occurs at a primitive level in each of our cells and is integrated into sensations in the nervous system (certificate of yoga professionals official guidebook level 2). In other words, our senses, rooted in our cellular makeup and integrated into the nervous system, play a primal role in our perception of what is going on around us.

As part of a more ancestral society, a Highly Sensitive Person would serve a protective role by using their heightened sensitivity to detect potential dangers and threats to the community. Their ability to pick up on subtle cues and deep empathy may have made them effective in ensuring the safety and well-being of the tribe. These traits can still serve us well in this less fight-for-survival modern time, just in different ways. With work, we can begin to shift our mentality in a way that no longer perceives our biggest triggers as a threat to our well-being. It’s going to require a continuous effort to prioritize protecting ourselves from the residual damage of a primal design that only serves us in a rare occasion of ACTUAL danger.

Throughout doing my own work to feel like I’m thriving more and less in a state of constant survival, I’ve realized self-care for the HSP mom is most effective when treated as a holistic approach. Using methods that are available in the moment, coupled with ones that require dedicated time and space. It’s less about making a concerted effort to conduct personal care, and more about a pursuit of people, locations, and activities that initiate our body’s relaxation response. This fosters peace, joy, love, connection, and true restoration. Gentle reminder, you are not the stressed, overstimulated, seemingly (but not really) impatient mom your ego would have you believe - you are the peace, love, joy and rest to which you are trying to reconnect.

Ku.edu confirms the holistic approach to self-care here, “Each method of self-care fits into one of the seven pillars: mental, emotional, physical, environmental, spiritual, recreational, and social. A well-balanced self-care routine involves each of these, so avoid restricting yourself to just one or two pillars.” It’s difficult to avoid internally screaming at just the thought of having to cover SeVeN piLlArS to completely meet my own care needs, so I’ve simplified and provided some examples down below that fit in with those seven pillars. Hopefully they resonate with some of you, and for others, help get you to a starting point for figuring out the best ways to reset whenever and wherever.

At the core, self-care remains a proactive approach. For the Highly Sensitive Person, it also becomes reactive as a healthy coping mechanism where our level of thriving starts to outweigh how often we are in survival mode. The idea is to build a habit around recognizing triggers, how they translate to the most glaring characteristics of a Highly Sensitive Person, and discover methods that help us essentially recalibrate mentally or emotionally.

Below is a non-exhaustive list of what I like to call self-reset options that stimulate feel good hormones or activate our relaxation response. Most of these can be used in moments of overstimulation (reactive) and/or during dedicated time in the morning, evening or throughout the day (proactive):

• Power Napping (sneak in a quick nap when your kids nap)

• Breath-work Techniques (try simple techniques like box breathing or count your breaths)

• Easy Yoga Poses (incorporate gentle poses like Child's Pose, Cat-Cow, or Legs up the wall, then transition to longer sessions if desired)

• Dance It Out (self explanatory!)

• Spiritual Connection (engage in a prayer or meditation - yes these can be done in-the-moment)

• Rock in a Hammock (The Science of Swinging)

• Stroll Outside (walk in nature, alone or with loved ones)

• Ground Yourself (step outside, feel the grass beneath your feet under the sun)

• Connect with a Friend (have a heart-to-heart chat or plan a spontaneous hangout)

• Herbal Supplements (consider calming options like CBD, valerian root, chamomile extract or other anxiety-relieving supplements)

• Creative Visualization (imagining a calm or positive outcome, or creating a mental sanctuary)

• Positive Affirmations and Mantras (reciting positive or calming phrases can not only help in-the-moment, but as a way of helping correct negative programming in the brain)

• Self-talk alone in the bathroom for 5 minutes (get everything off your chest, to yourself out loud, then be done with it)

It goes without saying that any mom or parent should use their best judgment on safety when babies/small children are in their care (i.e. not napping unless the children are in a baby-proof/safe environment, keeping supplements out of the child's reach, etc).

These are some easily accessible self-reset practices that I personally use on a regular basis. It is my sincere hope that HSPs seeking relief from overwhelm and overstimulation in their daily lives can use the list to embark on what is ultimately just a pursuit of peace.

Dedicating time and space for self-care is great, but my goal is to help normalize that recovery from overstimulation and overwhelm doesn’t have to, and honestly cannot, wait. It is available to us at any point in time. The journey starts with accepting and honoring our sensitivity, as a gift that we can harness for its unique insights, deep empathy, and detailed creativity. For anyone, with an emphasis on parents, who would consider themselves sensitive to stimuli, prioritizing true self-care is about embracing simplicity and finding solace in the present moment. It’s there, if you’re looking, I promise.

Love y’all ❤️💪🏽